THERE are those who say what they mean. And there are those who mean what they say. Then there are football people. They almost always speak in a code, occasionally marked by spluttered rant that justifies the inclusion of the asterisk on a keyboard.

There are exceptions. The cup final is billed as a national entertainment. Vladimir Romanov simply is one. He has added to the gaiety of this land.

His sallies are simply splendid. But I wonder if his Lithuanian interpreter might be the genius behind recent comments. Is he stripping Romanov of football talk and replacing it with plain speaking?

For example, the Hearts owner was reported to have said of Graham Rix and Jim Duffy that "I felt at times that my driver back in Kaunas could have done a better job".

Surely what he told the interpreter was: "Rix and Duffy are as safe a pair of hands as my driver in Kaunas who has never had an accident."

Similarly, Romanov apparently told an interpreter that "it is not the most difficult thing in the world to beat Celtic".

Apparently what he really said was "the most difficult thing in the world is trying to open a carton of milk while making out with your lovely honey and steering a runaway Harley down the Spanish Steps. The second most difficult thing is beating Celtic, so it is not the most difficult thing in the world to beat Celtic."

Of course, Romanov could have told his interpreter just what has been reported but I would love this linguist to work his magic on the rest of the football world. It would be wonderful if Lithuanian was shorthand for telling the unalloyed truth.

It is not too difficult to assume that Gordon Strachan got the hump over Romanov's comments but he contented himself with the observation that "we've got an extra six weeks to plan for next season that we didn't think we'd have".

Lithuanian translation: "Listen, Vlad, we beat your mob by a street in the league. So there."

And what of Walter Smith and Celtic's refusal to release players for the Dontcarein Cup? He played it straight: "It's not a matter of club versus country. It's just a matter of Celtic at this stage feeling that they have to put up a good performance in the testimonials, which are two high-profile ones. We just have to accept that and get on with it."

Lithuanian translation: "Listen, Ginger Nut, if you think a coupla friendlies are more important than international football . . . well, there's nothing I can do about it. So there."

Then, there is Brian Barwick of the Football Association unveiling the new England manager. "Steve was my choice. He was the nomination group's choice and he was the FA board's unanimous choice. The first choice was Steve McClaren."

Lithuanian translation: "Big Phil was my choice. He was the nomination group's choice and he was the FA board's unanimous choice. The first choice was Phil Scolari."

Alex McLeish, too, was typically diplomatic on talking his leave of Ibrox. He told the press of his reception by the supporters: "I was overwhelmed by that. I was very humbled and honoured. I think I'm leaving the club in a healthier state financially than the day I arrived."

Lithuanian translation: "Geez, have the supporters been sitting on their soddin' hands for four and a half years? Plus I was in charge of the biggest sell-off at Ibrox ever. At one point I thought they were going to strip the lead from the roof. And, God knows, the fans would then have blamed me for the rain dripping on them. Ah'm for the off."

Football-speak also thrives in the rich soil of the Premiership.

Sam Allardyce was gravely downbeat when he released Jay-Jay Okocha and Bruno N'Gotty: "We are hoping to reduce the overall age of our squad and it was a tough decision not to offer them new deals."

Lithuanian translation: "Sell-by date? There's fresher bits of cheese in a Frenchman's teeth."

And what about Martin Jol, caterer to the stars?

After the food poisoning episode, Mr Jol, who always looks like he has just tasted something unpleasant, said: "I have an idea what caused it."

Lithuanian translation: "What caused it? Soddin' lasagne made by a choleric Gooner . . . there's a recipe for success. Take two kilos of rancid meat, infuse with a dose of North London resentment, puree in a century of hatred and mix with bodily fluids."

Alex Ferguson chose his words with the delicacy of a duellist selecting his weapon when he spoke about why Ruud van Nistelrooy had been omitted from his team.

He said: "I just wanted everyone together so I felt Ruud should be left out of the team. I do not need to say anything else about it."

Lithuanian translation: "Where is the asterisk on your laptops?"