Fiona Caine resolves dilemmas

Q. MY husband is due to retire shortly and he’s just announced that he plans to take out a long lease for a house near his favourite fishing spot in France.

He says he plans to use it on his own and that it’s not for family holidays — he’s even indicated that I won’t be welcome there either.

He’s always been a bit of a loner, but this is really hurtful and when I told him I thought he was being very selfish, he said he felt he’d earned it.

The money he’s planning to spend will take a big chunk out of his pension and I think he’s being unfair. How can I get him to change his mind and let me go too? M. W.

Fiona says:

If you have always pooled your money and seen it as joint income then to spend a disproportionate share on his hobby isn’t right.

If, however, you have always kept your money separate and he will continue to pay his share, then however unfair it is, that’s the way he wants to spend ‘his’ money.

You could suggest you spend a similar sum on doing something for yourself of course, but that would just be tit-for-tat and would not really resolve anything. I suggest you let him live with his fantasy for a while.

Q I’VE got a real problem with my parents who still treat me like a child.

I’m now 23 and have a well-paid, professional career but I get far more bossed about than my younger brothers.

When my mum was ill, it was me who had to look after her and run the house while my father and brothers did next to nothing and expected me to cope.

I don’t mind helping out, but their automatic assumption that I should be the one to take on most, if not all, of the extra work really hurt.

When I said something to my mother about this though she said I was being selfish. I don’t think I’m selfish and, quite honestly, if I had somewhere else to live, I’d leave. Y. V.

Fiona says: You are an intelligent, financially independent adult, so what on earth is preventing you from leaving the family home when this is so plainly what you want to do?

If you continue to feel put upon by your family, the resentment you are feeling now will only grow and will affect your relationship with them in the future. It sounds like you are financially independent and while your mother seems used to seeing domestic chores as “woman’s work”, you don’t have to. Make them understand you are no longer prepared to carry more than your fair share of household duties.