Funeral Celebrant shines a light on child bereavement

Recently, her working week has been shared between vocational work as a funeral celebrant and time spent as Bank Health Care Assistant at her local hospice.

Spurred on by her experiences as a funeral celebrant Caroline has also ventured on to a purely altruistic path as an advisor and educator on child bereavement.

She firmly believes that a child’s presence at a funeral and their involvement in the funeral arrangements builds a solid foundation for their own understanding and acceptance of death.

‘Children are very often the forgotten mourners,’ she states.

‘I have seen the detrimental effects of shielding children from death, dying and importantly the funeral. Their needs must be met in loss just as much as adults.’

As part of her raising awareness Caroline plans to tour the South West with a series of talks, her first being at the Cotswold Care Hospice forum in August to practitioners working directly or on the periphery of end of life care in the county.

Others will be held later in the year and into April 2015 for the Cruse Bereavement volunteers.

Caroline aims to address how we talk to children about death and dying, a subject that requires openness and honesty.

She warns of the negative effect of our avoidance of often awkward questions asked by children and highlights the benefits of preparing children for attending a funeral service by embracing their natural curiosity.

Her plan is also to bring awareness and understanding to the classroom where direct contact with bereaved children, she believes, is in need of redress.

‘Adults are not naturally good at talking about death, even peer-to-peer,’ Caroline says.

‘Schools are often unaware that there are formal and advisory guidelines for dealing with a child recently bereaved, or providing the child’s classmates with full and frank information on how to be and what to say.’ She continues, ‘even in schools, there is a ‘shut-down’ mentality that dictates avoidance of the subject, leaving the child isolated in effect.

‘As far as I can tell, putting RE aside, there is no real curriculum inclusion of death and dying. That is something that needs to change.’

As part of her ongoing study, her recent Facebook request for recollections of childhood experiences of bereavement was met with many stories from adults explaining how they had felt left out of family loss and how, in some cases, their grief never felt resolved.

'There is a huge baseline of adults for whom death holds fear and finality,' Caroline warns. 'Much of their apprehension began in childhood with their enforced isolation from family funerals.'

Caroline is returning to her professional roots hoping to bring solace and care to those who have recently lost someone they love.

A qualified celebrant since February 2012, she took professional tutoring as a companion to the dying.

At the recent Clocking Off Festival in Stroud, she was fortunate enough to meet bereaved people for whom lending an open ear and honest conversation was the only thing needed.

Following her mother's premature and tragic death in 2006 Caroline recalls feeling 'an overwhelming sense of a need to help and support others when they need it the most.'

From then on she has not looked back.

The funerals she has already undertaken for Wiltshire and Gloucestershire families remain a healing provision both for her and those recently bereaved.

As one family she had the recent privilege of helping say: ‘Without hesitation I recommend Caroline to you for her incredible sensitivity and ability to help families and friends celebrate the life and mark the passing of our loved ones in a uniquely personal way. She is devoted to the work and everything she does comes from the heart. I cannot recommend her highly enough’.

Showing unfettered enthusiasm for community involvement and a desire to support great causes, she recently completed a 10km Solstice Walk for Cotswold Care Hospice.

Around 400 people entered and just over £24,000 was collected for the Hospice.

Her next venture is a tandem sky-dive from 12,000 feet in aid of the hospice for which she has already begun seeking sponsorship.

More details can be found at www.doitforcharity.com/CarolineWilkes.

Caroline is keen to define her place within the structure of bereavement care.

‘I’m not a counsellor,’ she adds.

‘I’m an educator and advisor, teaching through experience of others and of my own pain. I help children and adults understand the true essence of death and ensure that the funeral is an inclusive moment of healing for everyone regardless of their age.’

Running in tandem with her work on child bereavement she is writing a series of informative children's books inspired by her experiences.

Caroline can be contacted any time on 01666 311243.