TIS’ the season of wedding bells and this month many people will be making their vows to their beloved. Some have chosen a longer engagement while other couples opt to get married while still in their honeymoon period; but which marriages are set to last a lifetime?

Kimberley Wall, Service Development Manager from Relate Gloucestershire and Swindon, says: “Rather than just focusing on the amount of time a couple have been together, another indicator of relationship longevity might be how in sync a couple’s expectations of the future are. While it might not seem romantic to discuss practical issues that may arise in the distant future, ensuring you share the same vision could decrease the chances of unsolvable conflict arising once the couple are married.”

Although they’re not legally binding in the UK, some couples have drawn up pre-nuptial agreements  before marriage to agree a division of financial assets in the event that they separate. But should couples be creating unofficial emotional agreements between themselves in order to protect their relationship from separation? How can couples, no matter how long they’ve been together, create a shared plan for the future – and what discussions are worth having before walking up the aisle?

Kimberley offers ten top tips for investing in your relationship before saying ‘I do’...

Create an ‘ideal’ future time-line: Planning a wedding can be really exciting, but it is important to also remember to plan for the marriage itself. What are your individual dreams and aspirations? Try drawing an imaginary time line: if you both want children, when do you both ideally see this happening? Where would you both like to be in your careers in two, five and ten years’ time? You can obviously discuss and compromise on this as your relationship grows.

 

Book a one off couple counselling session at Relate: This will give you an impartial place to discuss both your expectations and visions for the future. Counselling is there to help a relationship grow as well as being there for a crisis.

 

Work out what is important to your partner:  A Relate Couples Workshop helps prepare couples for marriage whilst also being a fun way to find out more about your partner. For example, what is your partner’s ‘love language’?. And don’t forget, we can help couples to talk about future plans and aspirations regardless of whether you’re getting married.

 

Keep the magic alive: In modern day life, and with the rise of the 5:2 relationship (where one partner works and lives somewhere else from Monday to Friday), it can be difficult to ensure you spend quality time together but it is important continue to learn new things about each other. Why not discuss committing to a regular date night or at least put a period of time aside each week which is dedicated only to each other, even if this needs to be via Skype?

 

Handle conflict: Disagreements will inevitably happen, but what will you decide to do if one of you isn’t happy?  Will you use the X,Y,Z model (“ when X happened, it made me feel like Y so next time could we do Z instead?”) or allocate a time period to discuss a problem and stick to it (e.g. 7-8pm)? If you use the time allocation approach, make sure to book in another time slot the next day if the issue is not resolved so that conflict is contained and doesn’t affect your whole relationship.

 

Decide together what constitutes cheating: This may seem obvious but people do have different boundaries and it is important to know your partner’s before accidently crossing them. For example, how do you both feel about pornography?  What happens if a past fling contacts you online? Is ‘sexting’, visiting a lap dancing club or kissing someone else perceived as infidelity?

 

Talk finances and housework: Two huge areas that cause arguments in relationships. Wouldn’t it be better to divide the household tasks and make money decisions before they cause problems? How will money be split? How much money will you save each month? What household tasks do you both dislike so how can they be shared?

 

Expectations of sex: What will happen when one or both of you thinks that sex is going pear-shaped? What are your partner’s fantasies? What are both your views on masturbation? Just having the conversation can help avoid some problems in the future.

 

Agree to a regular relationship MOT: This could be updating your plans on an annual basis or deciding to book a Relate counselling session every so often. It may help identify areas of your relationship which could benefit from a bit more ‘TLC’ before an issue spirals. 

 

Respect the plans you make: There is a lot to consider here but the answers you come up with as a couple could really help to stand your relationship in good stead, so don’t just forget about them. It is not necessarily about coming up with a rigid plan, but being able to have shared goals and dreams that can be adapted as your relationship grows and matures.

 

Relate Gloucestershire and Swindon offers information, advice and counselling for all stages of your relationships. Call us on 01242 523215 or visit www.relateglos.co.uk for more information.