THE media is full of stereotypes of teenagers, from Harry Enfield sketches to newspaper stories about gangs of hoodies. No one denies that the teenage years can be difficult both for young people and their parents. Parents reach the end of their tether, teens complain that they are not understood. But where do they go from there? Anna Parry reports.

WHEN children reach their teens, parents are often already worn out by the demands of parenting.

The have spent more than a decade wiping noses and tidying up; being bounced on early on Saturday mornings and answering the question 'why?' a million times.

Most of them don't mind, of course. There is also the fun and warmth of family life; the bunches of squashed up flowers from the garden proffered in a muddy fist.

Then suddenly everything changes. The noise stops; the bedroom door shuts; the mangled flowers and endless questions seem like a dream. Was that the same person as this?

Meanwhile on the other side of the bedroom door the teenager will very likely be asking "Are these sad freaks anything to do with me?"

In 2001 Nick Cannon released Parents Just Don't Understand, which contained the lyrics: "You know parents are the same no matter time nor place.

"They don't understand that us kids are gonna make some mistakes.

"So to you, all the kids all across the land There's no need to argue, parents just don't understand."

The parents' point of view might be somewhat different. They might even agree with the American writer Clarence Darrow (1857-1938) who said: "The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children."

Once you start digging about for quotes to illustrate the relationship between teenagers and their parents you realise that the generation gap has always existed.

There is an old Yiddish proverb that says: "Small children disturb your sleep, big children your life."

And Mark Twain wrote in 1874: "When I was a boy of 14 , my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21 I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."

The major objections that parents and teenagers seem to have to each other are much the same now as they have always been but because of technological change, many parents feel at a loss to understand their children's lives.

It is hard for older people to maintain their authority when they can manoeuvre less nimbly in the world than their teenagers can.

Conversely the teenager not only sees their parent as flawed but also as old fashioned and inept.

Major conflicts ensue over seemingly minor incidents - a teenager stays out too late and doesn't telephone; a parent enters a teenager's room and tidies up; a teenager wrecks a new pair of trousers that the parent paid for; a parent fails to respond to a moment in which a teenager really needs to be heard.

There are endless situations, triggered by both parties. So what do people do?

Most people muddle through, others cannot cope at all.

The national charity Parentline Plus sees parents from both extremes.

Some parents join Parentline courses simply to learn tools which they can use in tricky situations.

They share their experiences in a group and have the opportunity to learn from parents who are dealing with similar situations.

At the Gloucestershire office of Parentline Plus in Stroud, team manager Kate Moss and senior parent support coordinator Mandi Holt have had many years of experience working with parents of teenagers.

Mandi says: "People who come to our courses realise that it is something that everyone is going through, they are not alone."

Kate adds: "We are non-judgemental. We're there to listen. And we have what we call a tool kit that parents can take away with them."

These tools are skilful methods of communication, designed to avoid conflict. A key tool is summarised in the acronym ACT.

The A stands for adult, the C for child and the T for tools. This is perhaps best explained by an example: A teenager stays out late. When he or she returns the parent shouts and the teenager storms off.

Using ACT the parent would start by being honest about their feelings - I was scared. I'd like to know that you are safe.

They would then ask to hear the teenager's point of view: I need to be more independent and see my friends. Finally the parent would stand back, listen and negotiate.

If approached in this way the conflict is often avoided.

Another of Mark Twain's thoughts sums up a timeless, positive attitude: "My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."

For further information about Parentline Plus log on to: www.parentlineplus.org.uk