The dreaded school report

TODAY'S school reports have come in for criticism - children are getting off far too lightly, they say.

Gone are the days when masters used the end-of-term appraisal to get their own back and dish out a verbal caning.

Down the years, many of our sharpest minds have been on the receiving end of such salvos of abuse.

Former Tory cabinet heavyweight, Michael Hesseltine was described by one exasperated tutor as: "Rebellious, objectionable, idle, imbecilic, antagonising, lunatic, albino, conceited, inflated, impertinent, underhand, lazy and smug."

'Weak' was how Winston Churchill's grasp of geography was described while Mr and Mrs Paxman were told that young Jeremy had potential, but was 'not a natural diplomat'.

"His flying off the handle will only mar his efforts," the report read.

Meanwhile, writer and actor Stephen Fry's English teacher was even more cutting: "English: bottom, rightly," he wrote.

So what did teachers have to say about the likes of Jilly Cooper and Mark Porter?

Best-selling author Jilly Cooper, who describes herself as a 'free spirit', didn't enjoy her time at boarding school as it kept her from her real pleasures.

"I loved my ponies, dogs and parents - in that order - so being away at boarding school was like being in prison," she said, speaking from her Bisley home.

But the once slightly 'unfocussed' pupil admits the end of term always brought mixed emotions.

"When I came back during holidays it was bliss for about two days until my report arrived and brought with it a black gloom. The carpets in the dining room were worn out by my father's pacing up an down."

In a report from her days at Moorfields Primary School in Ilkley, Yorkshire, her teacher wrote: "Jilly has set herself extremely low standards, which she has failed to maintain."

*Lost report: "Jilly possesses a bubbly disposition which is most disconcerting. She spends far too much time in corners, giggling over silly love letters with the other girls.

"Please remind your daughter that boys can be very distracting for young ladies and romance is most certainly not a suitable subject for polite conversation in this school."

TV Doctor Mark Porter was educated at several different schools but it was during his early years at St Joseph's Convent School, Ross-on-Wye, in the late 1960s that he found his vocational inspiration - or so he thought.

"He seems to have a natural aptitude for science," wrote his teacher. "But despite his often and repeated desire to be a brain surgeon it is worth remembering he is only seven years old.

"He would do well to keep his options open."

A few years on, when his mind was set on medicine, another teacher issued the outspoken pupil this warning: "Mark would fair better at school if he spent less time talking and more time listening."

*Lost report: "Mark is a fast learner and has a pleasant personality although his constant seeking of the limelight is a most objectionable quality in a young man."

John Lennon's music teacher famously told him he'd never make a living playing the guitar - and it was a similar story for Rodborough-based author, poet and songwriter, John Dougherty.

"John tries hard but has no flair for music," wrote his master at Larne Grammar School, which he attended between 1976-83.

John describes himself as a conscientious pupil - when he wanted to be - but says he was never enthralled by school.

"I didn't really enjoy it and remember thinking if these are meant to be your happiest days then what's the point," he said.

"I remember submitting a whole batch of my poetry for the school magazine that was all rejected, so I wrote something that had no meaning in two minutes and they published it."

*Lost report: "Although John's writing shows some promise his creative urges must be reined in if he is to be successful.

"He would do well to remember that the foundations of a successful career lie not in artistic musings but in the solid facts of mathematics and the sciences."

Acclaimed author and humorous newspaper columnist Sue Limb used to show off her sharp, sardonic wit at an early age - much to the displeasure of staff at Pates Grammar School for Girls in Cheltenham.

"Sue must concentrate more in lessons and spend less time trying to be amusing," wrote one teacher.

Sue admits that although she arrived as a 'fresh-faced halo-wearing goodie-goodie' it wasn't long before she descended into her 'slouching, disaffected stage' who dreamed of being as cool as Marlon Brando.

By the time sixth form ended, and her turbulent and tantrum-ridden teens were drawing to a close, Sue found a use for her acid-tongued tirades and became a critic and columnist.

"I had an inspirational English teacher who I remained in touch with until her death last year," she said.

*Lost report: "If rebelliousness is unfortunate in boys it is a decidedly intolerable trait in a young lady. One tutor, Miss Hetherington-Smythe, was most alarmed to discover during Sue's locker inspection, an image of that uncouth young man, the so-called actor Marlon Brando, a most inappropriate role model for any young person, let alone a member of the gentle sex."

For Stroud's Green mayor Kevin Cranston, school presented few problems.

In fact his Latin and woodwork teachers at Eastbourne Grammar School entered into a mini-battle to sign him up.

The latter wrote: "I am disappointed that Kevin has decided to drop woodwork and I feel he is wasting his time learning a dead language rather than more useful and practical skills."

On leaving however, his headmaster had a few minor reservations for the prospective military man, writing: "Cranston will probably have a good career in the Army but would improve his chances if he worked harder."

In making it to the rank of lieutenant colonel, Kevin didn't do badly, but joked: "Maybe if I had worked a bit harder I could have been a general."

Lost report: "Kevin is an excellent role model and shows suitable respect for rules at all times. He has been a wonderful ambassador for the school but would perhaps do well to reconsider his alternative views."

Former Olympic ski-jumper Eddie 'the eagle' Edwards, who now lives in Woodchester, looks back on his school days at Naunton Park in Leckhampton with fondness - for it was there that he found his true calling.

At 13, after his first taste of gliding down the snow-covered mountains of Italy his teachers noticed a distinct change in his work.

"My art teacher would tell me to draw a drink can or a still life and I would draw it on a mountain - In always managed to get skiing in somehow," he said.

One teacher wrote: "He needs to think less about skiing and more about the job at hand."

On his last, and most memorable day at school, Eddie's daredevil tricks landed him in a spot of bother.

"We were riding home and I sat on the handlebars while my mate pedalled and we got pulled over by the police,' he said.

"It was the beginning of a new era and we just wanted to get home and get on with it, but instead I had to go to court and pay a £3 fine."